|
|
Mr Pnutt's Dog & Pony Show Returns!| | I've been fielding questions, so I posted the following to my blog....and since nobody reads my blog, I figured I'd forward it to some friends.
SPOILER ALERT: happy ending!
***
I have not blogged since December; a lot has been happening here @ Casa Pnutt.
First, a dispute with an idiot in my human resources dept @ work nearly 10 years
ago bore some unexpected fruit.
See, it was my misfortune to run into one of those idiots who FREAK OUT when required to interact with deafies.
I went up to her office with a simple question, and, yes, I had a terp with me. My question was: where do I stand on the seniority list? I was one of the more senior accountants in that dept, since I was one of the first hired, & was thinkibng of applying for a supervisory position, since I'd already filled in several times for my super, he encouraged me to apply, etc.
Just that simple question: among our 70 accountants, where am I on the seniority list?
We've all seen the type: so uneasy they go physically rigid, slap their wet eyeballs on the terp so hard & refusing to move their gaze to us (the terps tel me the slimy eyetracks take FOREVER to scrub off) and so freaked out they can't respond to the simplest question.
Remember, I had a terp (very good one, CODA, as the best ones often are).
ME: Hi, Barbara. Mike suggested I ask where I stood on the seniority list.
HER: What did he say? What did he say?
Now, I'm a calm, laid-back sort of guy. Even my wife says she's only seen me lose patience or get mad a very few times, and we've been together 20 years. So I did what I always do: be calm, smile, physically relax, be very polite. It often helps.
Not this time.
ME: (slowly, still smiling) how senior am I? I've been here many years & the group I came in with are now beginning to move up. Mike, my super, has encouraged me to apply.
HER: (flustered) We have no seniority list! (Bullshit, btw-she just didn't think a deafie cld do it & was freaked out - guess she thot deafness was contagious. Lucky for me, retarded ISN'T contagious, or I would have caught it from her.)
Barb was twisting in her seat now, wringing her hands & turning around trying looking out into the hall, as if God was gonna come strolling thru the office door and save her from the crazy retard disabled deafie. Note - she STILL hadn't met my eyes. Not ONCE.
The terp was looking @ me, with eyes saying, "wtf is going on here with this fat little idiot?"
ME; (to terp) try repeating my question slowly...
TERP: (small fast asl'ing that hearies never seem to pick up) I have been doing that. I'll try again.
(Does so)
O, my Brothers and Sisters, at that point, Barb, all 5'0 200 lb 50ish doughy female rose to the occaision by going completely BATSHIT crazy.
BARB: I don't know whgat he wants! I don't know what he wants! I can't deal with this!
(Rushes out of room)
Terp: (big eyes) wow.
Me: (same) Holy Moses dribbling a basketball!
Ok, Gentle readers. Now fast forward 13 years. Guess who just was named head of personnell for the entire division, all 3000 of us?
Yup. Barb.
Now, last summer I was having respiratory problems. I filed for FHMLA, backed by my super, who'd seen me coughing my lungs out.
I'd been sick a lot, and to be honest, I'd gotten lazy @ the paperwork & the Personnell dept (where I had many friends - except for barb) had let me slide if I was a little late - cuz they'd all heard me coughing my guts outl, puking in the mens room, etc.
Well, Barb got booted upstairs. I had a bad jag of bronchitis - and got covered in work when I got back (2 accountants handling HUNDREDS of cases) and missed the deadline by a week.
Next thing I know, I get a packet slapped on my desk saying I faced disciplinary action for late FHMLA.
I sighed. No biggie. A slap on the wrist - usually a verbal reprimand.
Not this time. Barb saw my name, and creamed her polyster pantyhose. I'd missed 15 days - so she decided to send me straight to a labor relations board, and recommended termination.
My supervisor wasflabbergasted. HIS super was shocked. My supers' super asked, huh?!?
Barb didn't budge. I submitted letters from 3 doctors (politness and a smile worked with them - they all knew my case and HAND TYPED letters to Barb, plus filling out 10,000 stupid forms she sent them, etc.)
I submitted my work record. 13 years of praise, even a very rare bonus called a superior performance raise that boosted my income by an additional $10K yearly.
Furthermore, I showed them emails from the recently departed division chief. He had handpicked maybe 7 senior, experienced accountants in different depts and would hand out private assignments & questions to them when he wanted something quickly. I was one of them, his "bankruptcy" specialist.
I had LOADS of great emails from him thanking me and praising my performance.
But he was gone, and took his people with him - bringing Barb and others into power.
This happens in every bureaucracy. The people who benefit call it connections, smarts, etc.
The rest of us describe the process as:
Shit Floats To The Top.
Ohhhhkay, long story short: I got hustled out the front door so fast my ass bounced twice when it hit the sidewalk.
Same old story? Not quite: you see, here's the good part:
I filed a grievance, for wrongful dismissal, as so many deafies have.
Unlike most deafies, I WON.
Fucking BIG TIME, as in a thick wad of folding money.
I just had too much paper on my side, too many old friends in the system, and both my Father in law and Sister In Law were supervisors....and I'm on VERY good terms with my in laws.
I brought in the AFSCME union, which is BIG - all federal, state, county & municipal employees, nationwide membership @ umpteen quintillion.
(I joined 10 days before they fired me, just to fight this for me & save me the cost of hiring a lawyer....and my office union steward was so incompetent, I had my contacts put me thru to the main office - and they just moaned when I explained how many discipinary steps (10) Barb had skipped & how their steward had screwed it up so badly. I couldn't even get UIB.
So the union's main office sent in their big guns to look out for me, lawyers from Chicago with 12-inch dicks & a hard-on for courtroom fighting.
First thing they did was call the Labor Relations Board. The Board, which usually doesn't even bother to investigate & just rubberstamps dismissals, saw the Light & said, "Hold it. Why is THIS guy being treated this way?"
Why was he terminated when others got, at most, a "paper suspension" (put the suspension on ur file, but let u keep working so no money is lost)?
@ this point, Barb pissed her polyesters. Senior people were bombing her with calls.
And, oh, did I mention: my father in law was recently retiredl, but had been in service for 40 years, was the #2 or # 3 Human Services guy in the Stae of Illinois.
My FIL retired 3 years ago, and the admninistration STILL emails him @ home for advice. He knows all the players personally. In fact, the day he retired from his $98K salary state gov't positon (plus an check for an additional $50k in unused sick & vacation time) the former State Boss of human services called and asked him to join her in opening an upscale retirement home for rich people and said to him (really!) "name your salary. Name your hours."
And he did. So now he gets a $98K per year pension - his full old salary, he'd been there 40 years - and a big salary from his new place - he goes in maybe 2 times a week, makes some calls to clear red tape, then goes home and plays with his toys (wodshop, garden tractors, fishing) while my mom in law went crazy rebuilding and redecorating.
Anyway, Barb thot that since he was out of sight, he wasn't a factor & couldn't do anything.
STOOOOPID thing to think.
So Barb got wind of things shifting, and decided to rush it thru so it'd be a "done deal;" I got sick in April. I got fired in June.
Soooooo? Long story short: I didn't want to go back, and since I was 43, didn't wanna push a mail cart.
So I follwed Barry's and the Unions' advice, got all records into their hands, and waited. I also applied for full disability - which is based on ur last salary - and since mine was over $45K, I get a nice -sized check - and waited. My wife has an even better job - she's a senior adminstrator, handles milion-dollar budget for State Gov't, often testifies before State Legislature (Judy Heurig, the new DC disbility honcho & Clinton adm bigwig, is an old aquaintance)....
...and, yes, she is deaf, cannot speak, and has highlevel contacts, all of which she used for me.
Also, we'd been careful financially & our total debt, was only @ $10K, so not much pressure there.
What happened next is best described via Artsyfartsy Scope. Put on your Artsy Fartsy glasses, Gentle Readers, and enjoy the show:
(The Illinois State Gov't Administration Gods float into my old building, took an elevator up to the 6th floor, floated down the hallway until they were hovering over Barbs' pointy little head.)
GOV'T GODS: "Hello, you fat little idiot. We're here to cover up your mess.
LABOR UNION GODS: "Hi. We're joining the party, OK? BTW, Meet our lawyers.
GOV'T GODS: don't U guys knock? (Sees LAWYERS) (recoiling) What the HELL are those things?
UNION GODS: Glad u asked. We catch rattlesnakes, marry the snakes to sharks, marry their offspring to rabid ferrets with raging, incurrable hemmorhoids, clone the offspring, and then send the resulting unholy abominations to law school.
We don't even have to feed them! They just eat their dead.
UNION LAWYERS: yumyum!
GOV'T GODS: You don't scare Us. We have our own STATE GOV'T LAWYERS.
(Phone rings. GOV'T GODS pick up. Its' the GOV'T LAWYERS.
STATE LAWYERS: Hiya Bosses. If the wrong people hear what happened, You're gonna get screwed so hard, your grandkids will have red asses.
GOV'T GODS: Surely this be fought in the usual ways? You know, by dragging it out in court, losing paperwork, the usual stuff?
STATE LAWYERS: Normally, yes, but some pinhead named Barb got caught wiping her ass with the employees handbook. She then proceeded to rip up @ 30 different Federal employment laws, then wadded them up and used them for a tampon. Then she videotaped it all....and posted the tape
On YouTube.
GOV'T GODS: She WHAT?!? Oh, Allah Tapdancing Christ on top of a Tijuana Taxi...(bury faces in hands.)
(UNION GODS start laughing & their LAWYERS sit down to so their raging erections won't burst thru their zippers.)
GOV'T GODS: Can this day get any worse?
(Knock on door)
FEDERAL LABOR RELATIONS BOARD: It sure can!
Hello, you lousy puny little Staties. You all sit on the floor and give me that nice comfy chair. After all, I'm Federal, you're state.
(They do so. GOV'T GODS are white as sheets. UNION GODS are struggling to hold back their slavering LAWYERS.
FLRB: the UNION GODS asked me to reconsider Mr Pnutt's firing and review this case.
Now, who do I make an example of? Eenie, meenie, minie, moe....
(Faces GOV'T GODS,)
You're it . Watch this. Do what I do. ( holds up 3 fingers, like Boy Scout Oath. Gov't Gods do the same.)
FLRB: Now, read between the lines.
****
And now the Happy Ending:
Gov't hey agreed to remove the "fired" from my file, which was nice, and if I'd drop my case and resign (since by this time I didn't wanna go back & they didn't want other employees talking to me & saying, "hmmmmm, I wonder if....",) they'd pay me three times what I'd paid into the retirement /pensions system, earmarked as pension & not taxed by State at all, ever, and only taxed by Feds when/if I withdrew it, all deposited in an IRA of my choice, solely in my name & control @ the bank of my choice, plus a little extra.
Biggest check I've ever held in my hands in my LIFE. Not millions, but a nice little sum.
Do the figures:
13 years @ an accountant's salary, pension contributions deducted from my paycheck, times 3 = the equivalent of 39 years contribution, with 13 yrs interest included.
My wife and I had separate health plans. I just joined hers, same coverage, no hassle.
Nice. So....I retired at age 44. Not rich, not poor - but FREE. Finally.
I'm raising my 2 sons, reading good books, and wearing shirts without collars most days. I wake up, get the boys off to school.
I'm thinking of doing some grant writing for local agencies (done something like this before.)
And Barb? I didn't bother to find out....but word spread all over the dept what had happened, mostly cuz I told them myself (grin).
My guess is, nothing happened to her immediately....but, just like she waited 13 years to get me just cuz I made her uncomfortable, somewhere down the line the GOV'T GODS are gonna drag her into a broomcloset & proceed to shit fire and piss gasoline all over her pointy little idiot head. She doesn't have many friends these days.
My old super and I still email each other just to talk & have a very cordial relationship, btw. I'm thinking of going back to school. I live 3 blocks from a lovely college, here in my leafy little midwestern town, and the University of Illinois' Springfield satellite campus is 35 miles away from my home. Hmmmm....
NEXT: WHAT HAPPENED AFTERWARDS
Posted at 5/6/2007 12:21:38 AM
| | | Posted 5/6/2007 12:21 AM - 125 Views - 18 eProps - 12 comments
- recommend
  - recs0
- share
- email
 - sent0
|
|
And yeah - welcome back!
